i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
