I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
