bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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