So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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