Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
