i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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