Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
