Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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