yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i already hear my dad disowning me
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
