dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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