New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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