Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I want her autograph on my taint
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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