I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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