life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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