Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
