That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
