So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
