The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
