Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
