we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Randomize
