last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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