yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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