you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
