Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
