I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa