K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
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He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
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so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.