Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Ketchup is God's man juice
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen