The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
How external is "for external use only"?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
