maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
