I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
