U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
