Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
