I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
