the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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