So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
