I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
