atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
