I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
