If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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