Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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