Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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