$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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