I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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