i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
