There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
