what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
