The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
