Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
