some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
