Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
