I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
