Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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