I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
