Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
