I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
