Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
