Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
