I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
