Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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